x || [E]eecar || x

Monday, March 30, 2009

so here we go okok???

ok....so...i met him ydae...like this....i just duno why i enjoy wearing my specs this day... but i noe my main reason is to be ugly as possible cos....i dun want other freaks out there to tease me or watsoever.... and also....i wanna just look nerdy....hahahaha...

ok farah really random now....

so.. wat was i saying?

oh ya!

we met....on his own accord for sure....

so we met up....talked...laughed....went to bedok intechange cos i need to purchase some girls' stuff....then, we bought chicken rice...and eat together somewhere near my place.....

then, as per usual....he slept.....lolx....

ya, i know...thats a boredom...

but, what was the most interesting thing is...this necklaces...i bought it for 50 cents each...actually, i play this game..you know this machine which you insert 1 dollar or maybe 50 cents in it...then you turn the knob and come out the "gift" which is in a ball...so ya....

i look at the pictures....and it seemed interesting...so i decided to give a shot who knows i get the star which i want so badly...

unfortunately, i got the lock....for the first time....

then, the second time, i got the heart shape pendant...see that?

and lastly, he, who actually change his 1 dollar coin to 2 50 cents coins....

and told me that...

"wait! come....this will be the last one k....it will be a star...you want the star pendant right?"

and i said

"no, it is ok....it is impossible i guess....im fine with this two pendants..."

but, he is just so stubborn like me for sure....

so he put in his 5o cents coin in the machine...turned the knob....and as i got ready to get the ball...

i looked at the gift...

and i was....

DUMBFOUNDED!!!!!!

IT IS A STAR!!!!

just like what he guessed....

i was like...asking him

did he like see that it is coming out or he just simply guessing.....

it was like...

OH MY GOD!!!!!!

he seems like to know what is coming next after this....

hahahahah....

but i know... it was just a coincidence...

but im just so happy...that i wore it most of the time....

and the necklace will be on me when im sleeping....when im bathing.....

i make it like a lucky charm for me...

and i even carry it in my nurse uniform pocket when im working...

ya2...farah is like so....freak this days....lolx......

but i cant help it....

i really love the star so much.......

just like i love him dearly.....

and...today....met him again....after i got back home to bathe and change....while he just went back from searching for jobs.....

and again...met him on his own accord.....

so....again....just simply talked, laughed and teased one another...

ate ice creams together.....

hahahaha.....

and in all the rest of the pictures you peeps gonna view...are just pictures which i took while he is ignoring me with my stupidity and nonsensical behaviour.....

lolx.....

"THE HOT BABE"

well....he took this while i wanna ride his bike....hahahah...telling me that he wants me to act like im his hot babe...

you know like those girls who entertain bikers with big motorbikes....

gosh...

it sound stupid though...hahahahah....

he made me feel like as though im a cheapo girl....hahaha

but, i know im only for him entirely.....

okok...farah looked so sluttish cum stinky face here kk...
look at my hair.....so messy...and my face!!!!
like as though i just woke up early morning.....ahahaha
and he said that my eyes....looked so scary....like as if it wasnt me.....
like im a ghost or probably, he wanna say that i was possessed!!!
wth??
how scary can that be??? i look the same all the time....no changes made okok???

atlast!
he looked at me....so i snap his piq asap!!!
hahahhaha.....

omg.....ignore my smelly face okok

always busy fiddling with his phone...hahahha......

so basically, will be meeting him up tomorrow again perhaps...

cos i accidentally left my bucks with him....

so he might be meeting me up tomorrow to return back my bucks....

and by the way...

i got a good news for all of you peeps!!!!!!!!!

"IM TAKING BACK MY WORDS FOR NOT MEETING YOU PEOPLE UP UNTIL I REALLY END MY 3 WEEKS OF ATTACHMENT OKOK???

AND I MEAN IT FOR REAL.....

BE HAPPY WITH THIS GOOD NEWS OKOK???

HAHAHAHA....."

im not joking okok....i think....i just let all those missing pieces come out from their hiding places by their own.....cos im too tired to look for them for the time being now....hahahah...so let the missing pieces wonder why am i not looking for them.....

and btw...omg!!!

today....in my ward....is just simply chaos!!!!

urgh!!! i hate the bloody SN n EN....

bossed us around like as if we're DOGS!!!!!

fuh!!! i hope....they wont exist in my cubicle ever again!!!

but it was fun though....

i did dressing!!! hahahha....it was a nice experience!!!!

woohoo!!!!

9:01 PM **

Saturday, March 28, 2009

so... i went to changi beach this evening all by myself...and as i sat down on the pavement and listened to music on my mp3....my phone's mp3, i mean....

and as i look at the serenity of the place, i smiled to myself...i feel slightly content...

it has been a long time that i spend time alone and try to get things straight out of my mind...

fuh...it was quite an enjoyable moment... though i was there for maybe an hour but yet, my mind feel lighter and i feel better than before...

i am fine now, peeps... but still need a long way to go... but dont worry ok? im ok atleast... i didnt even harm myself, you see?

haha...it was quite funny but yet, touching when i think back about you peeps getting too worried about me...

thanks so much peeps...

you know i love all of you so much....

and i remembered...messaging Nabeelah...i told her that night is still young for me to actually go home... and she told me to make it old...

hahaha...it sound ridiculous when i said that i will make up the night by drawing wrinkles and colour the night greyish white like old folks' hair...

and she said...it was a nice sight...hahaha....

i was laughing so happily that when i looked up, people were like staring at me...and i know what came up in their mind.... they might think that im nuts....

hahaha....it was a great laugh....

so i took a bus back...and when im on the way...i beep my guy telling him my whereabouts...and he told me that once i reach home...take a shower and eat...but, i told him...im not going home straight away...will just slack around at my void deck and will go back asap...

he then asked me with who...

so i told him alone.... and i also told him that ive been alone since the moment i stepped out of the house to changi beach...

and he was like shocked perhaps...or maybe regret for letting me go there all by myself... but it wasnt his fault for not knowing the truth... im sorry ok baby?

hahaha....he really thought that im out to changi beach with my family like i usually do...but, no...unfortunately, im alone....

and that is when he decided to come over and meet me up....

so....when i reached somewhere around my place, i was surprised to see him cycle towards the bus stop....with an angry and scared look on his face...

i put on a calm face and braved myself and give him a smile...

whereas in my heart, i feel so....scared that he will think that im playing behind his back or even lying to him...

but i know im not.....

so he relaxed a little bit after getting my answer when he asked me so many questions...

hahaha... it was so cute of him....

he asked me why i went to changi alone...

why i didnt go with my gfs...

and he sounded so vulnerable tonight...

but i reassured him that i am alone...and the reason why i went there all by myself is that i just miss the beach...the sea....and all...

as a matter of fact, i kept the main reason from him and that is to actually ease my mind and figure out those missing pieces.....

i dont want it to be a major issue actually..

probably not the time to tell him that actually... with my condition like this...

it is sure a no-no thing...hahaha.....

so we walked to my place...and sat down and talked about things we did... just as per normal...

then, i asked him..

"you looked scared and angry when you cycle towards the bus stop just now...and why is that so?"

and he replied me

"because i love you and i dont want you to go out with other guys out there and i really thought you were out with your family ....haix...if i know that you're actually alone, i should have stop you."

then, he hugged me...

i remembered the time when we walked to my place....i told him...

"nope...im alone...haha...in fact, you should have known that im alone cos if im out with my family, i will tell you that im out with them...."

and he said that sometimes i dont tell him...not until he asked me then, i will inform him with who....and guess what? he sounded like me now...hahaha....he told me

"but, still...you should have the initiative to tell me that you are alone but you didnt"

hahaha....he pronounced "initiative" wrongly actually which made us laugh together...

so ya... when he told me that he loves me and dont want me to go out with other guys...and when he hugged me... i can sense 1 of the missing pieces somewhere.. and i actually cried.... but not so badly since im trying hard to control my tears from flowing....

i cried because i found 1 of the missing pieces already... and that is his concern towards me... i feel so touch when he said that way...and feel bad to for making him sound so vulnerable...cos i have never hear him sound that way....

i really feel quite bad.....

and as i let go of our embrace...

i wiped away my little tears from my eyes...and he wipes one on the tip of my nose...

and i stupidly asked him what did he wiped...

and he said

"your tears...i know you're crying...dont act like as if i dont know that you're crying"

and when he asked me

"i know you have a problem...you looked so sad tonight...why? come and tell me..."

i just looked at his face and give him a weak smile...and say...

"ouh...it is nothing...."

but, he knew i was lying....he knew that i am keeping something from him....he can sense it..

but i cant help it... i just bottled it up..and act as though nothing bothers me...

it was a bad thing actually... to keep things from him.... but still, i think it isnt time to let him know what i feel about all those missing pieces....but, atleast..i found one already..which give me a little hope to breathe once more....

now, im left with the rest of the missing pieces....to complete the whole thing again...i dont know when will it be..but hopefully, it will start to appear soon....and when i said soon...i know it wont be tomorrow..or the day after tomorrow...

it can be more than a day or a week...

worse come to worse....

the soon can even be a year or so.....

"good luck farah.....with your mission...."

11:06 PM **

Friday, March 27, 2009

"it was just a....."

hey there, so ya....i was at the library just now.. and didnt even plan to meet him up tho...

unfortunately, when i was at the library, all switches were used...so i decided to go to the skatepark and charge my laptop....

and....obviously, he was there at the skatepark itself....so ya....so-called a coincidence....

but, the best thing was.... we were wearing grey tops today...and i was like....

"hey, is he like a mind-reader or something? or was it me who can read his mind for today??"

i dont know...hahah...and that was a coincidence okok.... but, he do sit with me most of the time while i was playing with my Boyfie....at Pet Society...and when i asked him....arent he gonna ride? he said, nope....he is lazy..in fact, since he saw me.... he just wanna stick with me like a glue.... haix... guys are truly unpredictable sometimes.... i really cant get thru their blocked brain okok.... even if i were to drill their skulls, i guess my drill will be spoilt instead.... it is just so difficult to understand their species.... seriously.... but, i know...they are gonna say the same thing about girls..... just like i described them here....

so...i actually reached home at around 10 plus...stayed with him till the lights off at skatepark...so ya.... n btw, iqah...hope your heart dont break ok...make sure..it stays intact like as if a super glue exist in there.....

i got luke's mobile number....hahaha...nah....i saved it cos in case i cant get thru my guy's number...i can just get thru him and ask about my baby's whereabouts and well-being...

so ya...

lastly, before i end this post...lemme think what can i share with you peeps okok....

hmm.....

hmmm

hmmmmmm...

hmmmm

oh ya!!!!!!!!!!

i had a great time today with my patients....and my staffs...hahaha...i did suctioning....and i was like...omg!!!!im so,so,so,so,so.......scared!!!! but miss esther hold my hand and insert that tube in the patient's mouth....and after all, i did it well for the first time....did percussion....auscultation....then, i put on urosheath on the same patient which i did suction and nasogastric feeding....wow!!! feel like im on cloud nine....just like PUSS IN BOOTS!!!! hahahahah.......

but, lately....it has been a good experience because...like i said....i had so much fun during this attachment....with fun staffs...cute patients...great partnership....hahaha...im just so glad....that my 1st week was this great...hoping that it will get more awesome till the last day of my attachment.... then, 1 week of holidays more to go....and back to school!!!!!

woohoo!!!!!!

I CANT WAIT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!

11:58 PM **

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im not like gonna do anything stupid, peeps.... so just stop pressurizing me even more kk? im just taking a break from all the tension that im feeling and once im done and over with it.... i will return..... oh my.... i just wonder even more about your thoughts peeps..... i may be childish and stuff like that but still my sense of awareness is there.... it is still intact with me, peeps.... so stop worrying okok??

now... im at the library....i just dont know what time i will bring my butt out of this place cos i dont intend to go back as soon as my mum wants me to... in fact, cmon... i need a break after a week of attachment... so why not enjoy this last day of the 1st week of my attachmant right??

i need some credit for my efforts to make my patients laugh and smile all the time.... as well as my surrounding.... see there, peeps?? im not okay... but yet, i can still stabilised my thoughts ok... if not, i wont even bother to brighten up my patients' day....

im so...alright.... thanks for getting worried about me... but please.... dont do that anymore.... cos i think i assure all of you already...

6:41 PM **

Thursday, March 26, 2009

urgh...whatever shit kk...

im thinking.... until today.... what is he thinking... what is in his thoughts... what is he feeling.... but, i just cant seem to get pass through that... i dont know why... and as per usual... we still meet up like EVERYDAY.... but i dont know... there just seem to be.... a hole in the middle... i dont know why... probably because that very bad outbreak last thursday??

or maybe because there are still some missing pieces which i am not aware of... and the bad thing was yesterday.... well... slight argument which we manage to recover fast but still, i dont know... nothing just satisfy me.... i mean he kept on telling me that he wanna ride and do some stunts which he wants to improve on... so i just allow him to do so... not like as if i ban him from doing so... it is just that... now, he is just starting to be more engrossed with his bmx... but yet, im ok with it.... cos i believe that is his hobbies... or maybe his passion....

but still, i just dont feel right....

i mean after all things we had put back together... i can still sense something amiss.... and worse come to worse was when he told me last night....

which i quote from him...

"what Iqah said is true.....ask her yourself if you wanna know"

"what Iqah said is true about you....and i believe that"

with this kinda sentences.... i feel...like as if... im so...a jinx.... you know.... im quite fed up too... i mean... if he knows something which i am not aware of... why must i go and ask my gf when he, himself can just tell me straight into my face....

and... i also quote this too...

" ive meet u up almost everyday and cmon give me time to spend time with my friends will you?"

i feel like...as if im a big barrier in between him and his friends..

i mean... if it is true that im not allowing him to do things he wants...

i wouldnt even allow him to taunt at night with his friends... and in fact, i just want him to spend more time and attention to me but, he just simply get the wrong impression....

and it is like as though to him....

IM JUST A CHILDISH-PAMPERED-SELFISH-IRRITATING-ATTENTION SEEKER GIRL!!!!

and it is like SO WHATEVER ok?
i mean that is only what i want.... ok yes... i do have his attention... but i dont know... i just cant seem to get used with him like before the major outbreak....
it seems like....
he is near yet too far....
something like that.....uc.... i really find something amiss...and i just duno how can i find those missing pieces all by myself....urgh!!! it is just so... irritating......okok?

now, im just wondering....
will we be happy as we once used to be?? oh my.... now my tears are rolling down my cheeks like nobody's welfare...haix...
i just... miss all those moments....i really do....but today, i realised.... it is just very difficult for me to get all those things again.... as it used to be.... after that major arguments we had....
that is a history...
which blackened my love life with him until today i guess....
im quite sad though....
almost every single thing i said and do can sometimes become an issue between us now....
it is just so different...
i dont know how to explain the feeling... but i can sense it and feel it that the atmosphere is different now.... just so damn different....

"WE MET ALMOST EVERYDAY LAST TIME.........
BUT YET, WE ARE STILL A LIVELY, HAPPY COUPLE....
TODAY, THERE SEEMS TO BE... A GAP WHICH GIVES US DIFFICULTIES TO ACHIEVE THAT HAPPINESS WE ONCE USED TO SHARE......"

so now... i plan to do something which seems... overboard maeb... or cruel in some sense...

"I WONT MEET ANYBODY UP.. (not even my gfs... not even my np friends... not even my baby amdan....) UNTIL I END MY 3 weeks OF ATTACHMENT....

HOPE THIS SATISFY ALL....

MEET ALL OF YOU ON THE 10th APRIL 2009....

GOODBYE..."

9:01 PM **

well...nothing much happened this few days... besides...meeting up my guy.... then, im off to attachment since Monday...and now...left with about 9-10 days....and i was...glad... and most of all...what u like are....

1) I love the ward

2) I love the staffs im working with...

3) The patients...omg...i just treat them like babies...ahahhaha......tease them whenever i could...lolx....

4) I LOVE MY CF!!! IT IS MISS ESTHER!!!! LOLX...

5) I have a good partner...

6) Able to meet up my guy almost each day..

7) I am so tired...but still able to put on a big smile and act as tho nothing happened...hahaha....

so ya.... i am looking forward for more excitement for this ca...which i hope it will for the next 10 days!!!! woohoo!!!!!

8:48 PM **

Saturday, March 21, 2009

im...feeling empty now..

" im feeling like an empty glass"

how fine can i feel when im feeling empty inside...

how happy can i be when there are some missing pieces in my life...

haha... i duno.... i find it very interesting when i find the facts and the truth... but yet, i can still feel that there are some empty spaces in between...

i should find it as soon as possible though but probably not now.....

and... by the way...he contacted me at... well... 5 plus.... maybe that is part of the missing pieces but still... i will go on to look for the rest of it as soon as im feeling better....

so... before i actually end this post.... i would like to say some words to my sisters...

"hey sisters... thanks for your encouragement... no matter how far or near you are from me such as Aziah who is in KL right now... i still appreciate it so much.... i owe you girls big time... and with all the courage and support...

including the helps when im in doubt.... or when im truely lost my way in the darkness.... you girls are the one who gave me the light of hope to move on... stay strong.... and lift me up when i fall.... thanks so much girls....

I DONT KNOW HOW TO REPAY YOU GIRLS BACK"

2:21 PM **

make it happen,baby amdan

urgh!!! dont i really look like corpse?? haha....didnt eat....just drink and puff,puff like chimney!!! haix.....had a major argument with him....more like a misunderstanding....but, i dont know....quite hard to actually believe it....however, i will try my best bcos...that is the best i can do for me to be certain of myself as well as him.....

in fact, without Iqah's help and Titi's...i would have die and rot perhaps....obviously, aziah too....though she is in Kuala Lumpur.... she is still able to give me some encouragement.... I LOVE YOU GIRLS!!!!! I LOVE YOU TOO, BABY.... glad that you're not blind seeing my love burning for you....

haix.... i shall wait for him now... at the same time i hope he will regain his composure and contact me as soon as possible.... cos... i miss him too much... in fact those few days when we were better and havent even argued yesterday.... we dont spend time with each other such as talking and make fun of each other...and share the laughters like we always do.....

"baby.... i wanna apologised to you too... for the things which i didnt realise that cause you to be hurt too.... this proven that we are equally hurt... and thanks for your concern of my health.... i love you so much which is equivalent to how much im starting to miss you too.... your smiles... your laughters... everything baby... i miss everything about you..... and i hope you too.... if you could sense my feeling towards you right now... i hope you could understand how i feel... cos im trying to sense your feelings which might be ok soon... hope we can actually put all those things behind us... and pick up those bits which need to be together again..... i love you baby.... i miss you.... call me soon cos i miss your voice.... i wanna share many things with you and be as happy as possible with you like we used to... make it happen, baby....make it fast...."

12:46 AM **

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

"guilt aroused.... what should i do??"

i manage to meet him up ydae... i manage to put on a smile.... but i know...that he knew that it is a forceful smile.... cos i cried soon after.... i really miss him so much... and i could feel the tremendous pain within me thumping...

because....

1) I miss him so much...

2) I miss his soft touch and his sweet kisses...

3) I can still feel the tension between us...

4) I am scared that we will actually go on this way... til our separate ways...

5) Im scared that i wont be able to help him up like what ive promised myself and him if things dont get any better between us....

Before he actually came, i was thinking... of what Iqah told me in her message... Only if she is reading this post.... I wanna tell her that...

"Thanks for giving me the hope to continue with life... I wasnt being stupid when i hurt myself... but it is like a tempting thing to do to make him realised the pain that i went through.... I may have hurt him too.. same way or different ways... but yet, the pain which i went through is much more complex compared to his......

That is all i want him to think, Iqah.... and after he saw my arm/wrist.... He told me to stop doing it... but i promise him nothing... same goes to you, Iqah... i wont promise you anything to stop hurting myself.... But i can ensure that if nothing that causes me to be so upset... i wont be hurting myself....

I will never do it again... if im not pressurised by any problems.....

Im sorry for making you worried about me, Iqah.... im really sorry... Yes.. Faiq once told me that im a strong girl.... and so are you....

but im not that strong as what the 2 of you think... Im sorry to disappoint you so much for doing this.... but glad to tell you that...

i helped him to reduce his burden yesterday.... he helped me sell 1 of my phones... and i told him to keep the amount that he received.... he refused it... but i told him.. keep it and go and look for any job vacancies nearby with that money he has...

as i looked up his face, he seems sad... maybe guilty cos after so much bickering with me... i still stand by him to help him... but deep down, i dont know what is in thoughts.... when he looked up to face me, he smiled and said thank you....

i felt so...glad cos it was like the first time he didnt stop me to help him up at this kind of situation... and... i am delighted because i am still able to fulfill my promise which i made to him and for myself.....

and that is, i will go thru ups and downs with him....

and as a friend, a girlfriend and a wife.... i will try my very best to help him when he is in doubt.... i just cant believe it that i really helped him, Iqah....

the feeling is so great that it bring me tears to my eyes right now...

im no longer sad now though the pain within me still remain the way it is... which will soon vanish like as if nothing had been there before.... i just have to slowly regain my composure now.... and Iqah... i promise you i will be the cheerful, crazy Farah like you have known before as soon as possible...

that is my promise to you....

do mark my word....

i love you, Iqah....

thanks so much for your concern....."

and as for now... im thinking hard to make things better and better for him and me.... i wanna think of ways to patch up things back...
i wanna think of ways to make ourselves as happy as can be... and for as long as we can.....

"baby, we are happier after a few minutes or so just now... n it seems like we are forgetting all the stupid things we had done within this few days... but deep in my heart, i wanna tell you the truth... the pain that you caused will remain to subside slowly... which im sure it will be a fast one with the help from all of you... who give me the strength and courage...

and deep, deep down in my heart...
i wanna apologised to you for calling you names... which i know have cut your heart too.... im really sorry, baby... but that is me when im super-duper angry with you... i will try my best to do better by not calling you names if im that angry with you...

IM REALLY, REALLY SORRY, BABY
AND I REALLY, REALLY MEAN IT.....
and I HOPE THAT WE WILL ALWAYS BE TOGETHER THIS WAY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.... and also... WE WILL ALWAYS SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER WITH HAPPINESS, JOYS and LAUGHTERS to cherish every sweet moments..."

2:39 AM **

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

"the pain is tolerable...but my heart dont"

i wanna let you see for youself, baby....im not lying to you about hurting my own self when you want me to take care of myself.......

the more pain you gave me internally, the more pain i gave to myself externally....

im making you realised that the way i love myself is like the way you love me.... but it seems like you dont love me by hurting me so much....

therefore, im hurting my self this much just to let you know the pain....

to make you understand how intolerable...and unbearable the pain are....

but no, baby.... the pain in my heart is more hurting than this.....

the pain in my heart cause me too much difficulties to breathe....

to endure.....

i was given pressure by you... too much from you.... when it comes to this.....

you get furious with me again and again for no reasons....

it was you who dont bother to tell me what you are doin...

if you have told...i would have stop bugging you....

i would have let you go and do what you wanna.....

but you didnt....

and you blamed me for disturbing you... from your sleeps....

which is untrue....

if you have told me.....

i will not bother you...... but just wait until your presence is here.....

i wont apologise...cos it is not my fault.....

baby, i love you just like you do towards me.... and when you hurt me this way.....i have to hurt myself too....to ease the pain physically...to ease the tension in my thoughts....im sorry it have to be this way...but, it is not my fault.... i ve told....before....never to hurt me so much...never pressurised me too much....cause when i cant take the stress anymore....i will break into tears....and harm myself this way....

yes.... it is true that i promised you not to this again...but is very tempting for me..... i have to do it... i tried to control my temper...my emotions.... but i failed... im a failure when it comes to this.... a major failure....

"SORRY FOR HURTING MYSELF"

2:58 PM **

i will soon die of hunger for love......

eventually all my courage, enthusiasm... my strengths... my faith will die too.....

the love that once i cherished...will follow me up to my last, final stand where there is no where to run but just wait till the right moment to let out my last breath....

i might be seeing him and i might not..... the pain is too unbearable for me to suffer.... for me to breathe... for me to even look at his face for the last time or it might not be the last one.....

i hope ALLAH will stand by me to bring back the strength which ive lost since Saturday....

" Ya Allah, berikanlah aku kekuatan untuk menempuhi segala rintangan yang telah engkau ciptakan untukku. Aku hanya seorang hambamu, yang ingin terus berjuang untuk meningkatkan kekuatanku untuk melawan segala dugaan yang sedia ada untukku....

Ya Allah, berikanlah aku semangat untuk aku memperjuangkan segala rintagan itu dan terangilah jalan hidupku dengan cahaya yang engkau berikan kepada setiap hambamu yang memohon agar dunia mereka senantiasa bercahaya... Amin.."

12:28 PM **

For the first time, i feel like ive been stabbed in the heart with pieces of shattered glass.... how can it turned out to be this way.... i dont even have a clue.... but today...tonight... i was stabbed, i was drilled by my own lovely BOYFRIEND...... who loves me dearly.... who has given me so much hopes.... who has taught me about true love, hardships... who has let me taste the differences of joys and grieves, happiness and sadness.....and laughters and tears.....

He for sure the one whom i love dearly.... whom i adore entirely.... whom i miss and think of every heart beat within me... but he... also the one who see me down the drain.... by his own manner....

He is leaving me... to run away from the facts... from the matter.... our MATTER....our PROBLEMS... but how can he do this to me?? when he already tells me time and time again.... HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME..... HE WILL GO THROUGH THE UPS AND DOWNS WITH ME....

Where are all those damn words he used to say?
Where are all those good deeds he used to show me?
Where are all his truthfulness gone to?
Where are all his promises that he once whispered in my ears?

Why is he doing this?
Why is he hurting me so badly?
Why is he so...stupid that he cant think straight n see the outcomes which can cause me to be in despair??

He enjoys this, am i right?? He is loving every second watching me lay lifelessly on the ground in a pool of my own blood...am i right?? He is doing this for the sake of somebody else who is better than me...am i right?? He is doing this to test my patience..to see how strong am i...am i right?? He hurts me as much as he wants because he wants me to go....am i right?

HE DID THIS WITH A DAMN PURPOSE TO SEE WE FALL APART WITH ME SAY........BREAK UP!!!!! AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?!?!?!?

tell me that im wrong , people.... tell me that HE STILL LOVES ME...DEARLY....AFFECTIONATELY.....like he is used to....

im so....disappointed....so...devastated....so....angry....in pain...helpless....useless.....despair....frustrated....depressed....and extremely sad.....

i have never feel this way after my freaking 3rd ex...who condemned me... but why it is starting again?? i have been begging so many times... to avoid such pain to occur... but it is happening again now.... it is just so hurtful.... im so depressed....

"baby, why? i tried to make it right by telling you to meet me up today after noon.... and you simply said that you are going back to Jurong to ease your mind...and want no arguments with me..... you are simply making matter worse just to run away from our problem which need to be resolved as soon as possible..... i dont need this crap from you but yet you told me...this is what you want.... i told you i want you to come back but what did you tell me?? you are on the way there already with your brother....you are hurting me more, baby...why???? you didnt even tell me your plan earlier and now you are ditching me just like this.... how can you be so heartless??

i plead you to come back but yet you tell me you need to cool down after what had happened... which entirely not even my fault to start with.... it was you who gave me the wrong impression all the time... you told me that you miss me but why cant you take the initiative to divide your time between your family and me on that Sunday?? you told me that your prepaid is low but yet it is possible for you to call me but not to send me 1 single message just to inform me your whereabouts...your activity and with who..... you apologised after accusing me but why is there a need to get mad at me for nothing??? why, baby...why??? please answer me...im begging you to do so.... but i know you would just freaking shut that mouth up when i want you to tell me the truth....

and what else did you tell me a few hours ago??? you will only come and meet me up when it is not raining which gave me a high hope that you are not going back to jurong after u agreed to meet me up later...but yet, you did leave me.....and yet you told me you are not leaving me but actually, you did.....i really thought you changed your mind of going back to your old place... im just so happily planned to sell off 1 of my phones just to give you the money for you to survive and find a job....and now, you are ruining it..... you still went back there for one reason and that is to ease your mind when you can still do it here without my presence interfering your thoughts...

but i know for one damn thing that you wont be coming back here for me...to dry up my tears...to help me stitch my bleeding heart which you damaged it since sunday....cos you're in the west...and you will only be on your bmx bicycle and cycle to east...and with a reason...you wont turn up cos it is raining....ive known your plan so well....you went back just to be around your useless friends and flirtatious godsisters...it has always been them who can ease your mind with your hay-wired thoughts...they can heal your heart faster than i do... thanks baby...i really appreciate it so much!!!

after what i have done....i gave you what you deserved and this is what you are returning back to me.... which is just so ungrateful of you to do so....like i said...im not important to you....they, who are your friends..are more worthwhile than me....but tell me baby...what kind of friend, boyfriend and husband are you if you were to treat me this way who is your friend, your girlfriend and your wife??? you have mistreated me, baby... and it is so.... unforgiveable....

you told me not to mention such things but how can i stop myself from saying it when i am being treated so unfairly like this???....go...baby...go....i did told you that...and to have fun with your people in jurong...but i dont really mean it and you know that...but what did you tell me after that?? you told me since i want it that way...you will fulfill it....you will eventually go since i have said it....i really hate it...i hate you at this point of time...i hate the west...i hate your friends there who have greater influence on you...

and you told me that you wanted to get things better between us..but why did you still have to leave me here in the east all by myself trying to patch things up alone?? but it is true, baby.... if you had not gone back to that filthy place....i wont even scream and go hysteric at you....believe me....things should have gone better if you have stay put...

i just dont know why are we becoming this way.....but to tell you the truth....you reall hurt me in the spot where my 3rd ex hit it with his on bullet.... and you are helping him to dig the hole deeper after i stitch the veins back....and now it is back to square one....im doing it alone again...in my own hand....with my own blood....a small heart that will soon stop beating....."

this will how it looks like now...cos im too weak....too fragile...too vulnerable....to even have the courage to stitch up my own heart which was damaged by my sweet baby amdan....

tell him for me people.....

" I STILL LOVE HIM"

2:55 AM **

Monday, March 16, 2009

cant he possiply be MORE THOUGHTFUL!!!!!!!
WHY IS HE MAKING MY LIFE MORE DIFFICULT!!!!!!!!!!!! AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FEEL LIKE STABBING MYSELF WIH A KINIFE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

DAMMIT!!!!! YOU, BEING JOBLESS HAS GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU NOT MEETING ME UP, YOU A******!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST DONT BLOODY KNOW AND UNDERSTAND YOU AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE BLOODY REASON YOU GAVE ME FOR NOT MEETING ME UP?!?!?!?!? HOW INTERESTING CAN IT BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS SO....... UNREASONABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

URGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DONT EVEN BLOODY CARE TO SEND ME 1 MSG TELLING ME YOU WHEREABOUTS, YOUR ACTIVITY AND WITH WHO!!! DOES THAT OCCUR TO ME THAT YOU CARE ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!

F*** OFF!!!!!! YOU ARE JUST A BRAINLESS JERK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5:17 PM **

"RAINY DAY"

haix....it has been raining heavily for the past few days...n i m freaking sick at home.....i mean...what else can i do besides sitting in front of my laptop and waste the electricity....and help my parents to rise up the the utility bill....urgh.....i really hate to be stuck at home.....fuh!!! how i wish somebody cud save my life of boredom now...as is right now....haix.....

"im just so sick of being.. at home right now....cos im feeling freaking so bored right now...so....y dun u all just save my life???"
(farah is singing to so sick-neyo song..hehehe...im sure neyo will cry to death if he finds out im ruining his song...)

2:45 PM **

Sunday, March 15, 2009

FREAKING MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!

URGH!!!!IM SO FURIOUS AND FED UP WITH HIM!!!!! HE GAVE ME SO MUCH HOPE AND YET RUINED EVERYTHING!!!!! HE CAN GO TO HELL WITH ALL THOSE MISSES MESSAGES TO ME AND SCREW HIMSELF UP!!!!! AND WHO THE BLOODY HELL CARES ABOUT HIS FREAKING,PUFFER FISH SISTER WHO GOT GOOD GRADES?!?!!? LIKE AS IF I WANNA KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT THAT FREAKING OBNOXIOUS CREATURE!!!!!!!

HEY YOU F******, UNWORTHY CREATURE!!!!! BETTER WATCH YOUR FILTHY MOUTH BEFORE I SHOVE DOWN 4 CUCUMBERS DOWN YOUR THROAT!!!!!!! URGH!!!!! BLOODY HELL!!!!! FREAKING POSER WHO TALKED SO MUCH LIKE AS IF SHE IS 100 TIMES PRETTIER!!!!! SCREW YOU FACE YOU WORTHLESS W****!!!!!!!!

AND.....YOU MR AMDAN!!!! PLEASE GO AND TELL YOUR FREAKING-LOVING SISTER...CONGRATULATIONS FOR HER GRADES BUT...TOO BAD....I CURSED HER EVEN MORE THAN I SHOULD!!!! AND YOU......MR AMDAN......YOU CAN SCREW ALL THOSE MISSES MESSAGES YOU SENT ME WHEN YOU DONT REALLY MEAN IT!!!! I DONT EVEN CARE WHAT YOU GONNA SAY!!!! I DONT EVEN CARE WHAT WILL YOUR EXPLANATION GONNABE!!!! I DONT BLOODY HELL CARE WHAT ARE YOU GONNA FEEL AFTER THIS!!!!!

COS YOU HURT ME EVEN MORE YOU, J***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN GO TO HELL YOU STUPID CREATURE

AND UNWORTHY F*****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7:14 PM **

Friday, March 13, 2009

spore flyer!!!!here we come!!!!

tday i went out to SUNTEC CITY...with my girlfriends and my baby amdan.... unfortunately, 1 of our girlfriends couldnt come along due to her school thingy....but yet, we had so much fun tday...hahaha.....we went to suntec for the PCFAIR or maeb ITSHOW...if thats how u people wanna say it...hahahah....i bought a cooler fan for my lappy....n iqah bought it too....for 9 bucks....i aint sure how long will it last but, so far...so good....hahahahha....den, we walked to marina square...and ate at the foodcourt...it was a nice meal...n obviously...we camwhore again....ahahahahha........

"THE FOOD IS SO>>>>>NYUMMY2!"

then, we planned to go to Singapore Flyer....since iqah has stacks of free tickets with her.....so we took the opportunity to take a ride.....it was amazing...i mean.....it has always been my wish to be in there...with my loved ones....n....omg!!! i got it!!! my wish came true....n i was so....delighted!!!!!

so...as we walked to the Singapore Flyer place......me n baby amdan.....took pictures of ourselves...hahahah.....den, when we reached the place.....more pictures!!!!!!hahahahha....so much camwhore n i am still active....or maeb more active....probably bcos...ive eaten...n also bcos my flu is GONE!!!!!!! HIP HIP HOORAY!!!!

here...as we walked in towards the flyer....my heart beat stronger...bcos....i m nervous and very excited!!!!! hahahahah.....im nervous bcos....i was like thinking will i get a fright when we reached the top later??? hahhaha....but, i noe at the same time....it is gonnabe fun.....and...more fun with our camera phones!!!!!! y not???? we sure camwhore again!!! lolx.....

n when we reached the flyer!!!! when we entered the capsule...or cabin??i duno wat it is called...but ya...the main thing is...when we entered, i was so....hyper!!!!!! it was unbelievable that i am truly in the flyer itself.....i was so noisy...n make the place like as though we owned the place...ahahahah...but i dun care...im just so excited with it!!!!! urgh!!!! can i have another ride please???? and when we reached the top, i dont even feel scared!!!! i looked out the window glass n was so............happy to see the views....it was so nice!!!!! hahahahah......... i can see the cities..... the "durians"....the golf course....omg....it was just so...crazy!!!!! n i can see the marina barrage too!!!!...oh!!!!! how amazing????(i got all the views in a page...u can view it when u scroll down....hahahahah)

in this piq, tit doesnt want to take that kinda piq.....but i forced her to do so....n look!!!! it turned out fine.....hahahhaha...i wonder what will they say when they saw their edited face in this piq!!!!ahahahahahahahahha..............

"THE PROFESSIONAL CLOWNS"

well....ehem2....farah will always be the first one to take her piqs....lolx.....but, y not??? in an exciting ride...with my loved ones......y shouldnt i take piqs when there are so many chances given????hahaha....so dun waste time ya!!!! take piqs as much as u want when the chance is there...shouldnt waste such moments peeps!!!!

here....a simple piqs of my true sweet friends who i treat thenm like my sisters.....they have been the one who went thru so many obsticles with me....and they are the one who has share the same joys together with me......including aziah....and my freda too!!!!!muax!!!!! i just love u all peeps!!!! thanks so much for being there when i need all of you......

n...my baby amdan.....ehem2....my sister's shawl had been with him all the way...hahahahah.....posing for piqs too....hahaha....he was excited too.. n had so muich fun just like i did....n he was afraid of the heights too but after all....he said...he dont....cos it was a nice ride....hahahah.....n he dun get enough fun just like me too...cos to us...the ride was qutie fast....perhaps we took too much piqs....dat we dun realised the ride gonnabe over soon.....lolx.... but hu noes...when there is another chance....we will be there again baby....hopefully.......

that is all after the ride...we took a shuttle bus to city hall mrt then, took the train to bedok while my baby dropped at eunos to take his bmx bike at ubi......n meet him up at bedok skatepark.....hahah......so me n my gfs....slacked at the skatepark with our brownies and bubble teas that we bought before we sat there.....while waiting for my baby amdan to come too...as well as aziah...hu came to join with us in the evening....

haha...just wanna show off the tickets...as a proof that we actually....took a ride in the flyer....hahahah.....n i kept them...as momentos......muax!!!!i just love it.....hahahahha....

and here....my guy's bmx friends were busy talking...n dun even realised that i took their picture...shh.....DONT TELL HOR!!!! hahahahha.....so we stayed at the skatepark until 8 plus....n we went to our separate ways.....titi, iqah n aziah went to shop for titi's toiletries at the int...while baby amdan n me...walked to my place...settle down at the void deck....n chat....before we say good bye.....

" I HAD MAJOR FUN TDAE!!!!"

11:53 PM **